Happy holidays!

Opera House infactuation

As the winter sets in sitting on a bench becomes less practical. So my favourite urban past time in Astana has become jaunting past the Opera House, with its bold columns and ornate facade. I've already mentioned the Opera House, but I love it so much I've come back for more.

I didn't realise, until I approached closely enough to touch it, how very big it is. It's not too big, it's just really big. And up close it's really beautiful too (unlike many of Astana's buildings, which turn out to have tatty facades and worse interiors!). They've done a proper job, I think.

The Opera House also looks lovely in the snow, and with a Christmas tree.

Sunset mosque patterns

Sunsets in Astana are often impressive, with burning skies and whispy shiny clouds. In this particular moment the sun reflected off a glass building in front of a mosque, giving the illusion of a beautiful irridescent gold mosque.

Soviet handshake

In post-Soviet countries boys are drilled from a young age in the fine art of hand shaking. I present here the results of my in-depth study of this cultural phenomenon, which was subject to peer review, and would like to take this opportunity to thank the many, many, many, inordinately many natives who have shaken my hand, come rain or shine, regardless of whether we even know each other, and regardless of whether it will mean taking an hour to travel 100 metres down the street shaking everyone's hand. 

If you have dirty hands, wet hands, or an insufficient number of hands, you will be excused from the handshake.

Fall in the forest

The forest has lost its sheen. The bears are nowhere to be seen.

Going brown in old age.

Snow is imminent, the last few leaves hold on tight.

I can'ye do it captain!

And in an instant everything is white.

Time to party, make a snowman, show your creativity!

Temporary visitor

Alas it's not winter yet, he got no points for longevity!

Hotel fright

'Hotel Flight' serves Surgut's wonderful airport. It's comfy and has more-than-decent WiFi and I look forward to staying there. The restaurant, on the other hand, is something else.

'What would you like?'
'This one'
'We don't have it'
'This one'
'We don't have it'
[etc. etc. ... finally ...]
'What do you have?'
'Pasta, or [something I didn't understand].'
'I'll have that please [the one I didn't understand - pasta sounded a bit plain]'

And then it arrived ...

Monolith: dinner

This homogenous lump of meat-like substance is among the worst meals I've ever had. Tasteless, ambiguous, and tough. I didn't come to Russia for the food; nevertheless this is poor.

The next morning, for breakfast the same script was played, and I started to recall Eddie Izzard's 'cake or death' sketch. The death hadn't gone down too well, so I chose ... pasta.

And then it arrived ... pasta, da solo.

Good morning! I ordered apple juice too - to spice it up a bit. Crazy, I know.

 Off to work then.

New opera house

One of the few buildings that didn't shoot up in a hurry in Astana, the new opera house, recently opened its doors. It's a stunning piece of work, even seen from a little Nokia's point of view. It's set with a generous 'green belt' around it, all the more remarkable given its central location, and it sits on slightly higher ground giving a certain air of superiority (like it or not) and elegance.

The entrance originally sat on a busy road, so to remedy this ghastly juxtaposition, they closed the road, made it 30 feet deeper, and put a cap on it, so that the now the array of neoclassical pillars that constitute the main entrance stand over a large, open raised square.

The square is immaculate and I love the open space and the vistas. To the right is Khan Shatyr, straight ahead is a public park, sculptures and all, and to the left is the city's budding Skyline. Walking around Astana in the Autumn can be a real pleasure.

Pernch

Sometimes you don't want to fully commit to sitting on a bench. Maybe you're not staying long, or maybe there's already someone on it and you don't feel comfortable sharing.

A bench, with a perch. A pernch.

This is where a Pernch comes in handy. Don't worry, it has full bench functionality, but additionally it has a perch on each end - for the non-committal types. Park a buttock or too, and don't feel like you've over-committed. Rest your weary legs, put your bags down, relax.

Big, green, bench.

I can't help but feel that Chris Evans had something to do with this. Either that or the producers of The Big Breakfast have come out of retirement and set up a consultancy on how to make big silly 'fun' things. Obviously Astana was an attractive prospect for them, and they've come here and done some 'out of the box' thinking.

A 'well earned' break.

This must be about as big as a bench can be before we stop calling it a bench. It's so big that not one - and not two! - but three builders are having a 'well earned' break on this bench.

Towers of bable

The two main themes of the Emirates, in my experience, were Islam, which roughly speaking shuns the material world; and rampant materialism and consumerism. The symbol of the latter is the tower.

The exhibition centre. An exhibition in itself.

In addition to Dubai's super tall Burj Khalifa, and a gazzilion other super tall buildings, Abu Dhabi is making an effort too; I've picked a few here to comment on. The exhibition centre caught my attention; it's classically weird and stupid and excessive and impressive and almost elegant.

Air traffic control. With style.

The air traffic control tower is the coolest one I've ever seen. Great job guys.

In downtown Abu Dhabi, there seems to be an effort to make it look like it's teeming with towers. In a great compliment to New York, they seem to have modeled their sky-scape thereafter. It goes to this extent: an individual development often constitutes multiple blocks which are all the same, presumably just so that it looks like there's more towers?

Abu Dhabi. Teeming with towers.

In a place with few people and plenty of space, I can't see any reason to build like this. So there's this great sense of irrationality to the developments, whose priorities are driven by vanity. The finer details are invariably beautiful, and seem to tirelessly promote Islam. The irony doesn't seem apparent to them though.

Shangri-la

We popped to the Shangri-la for a buffet. This is Abu Dhabi, and this is a five star hotel, so as expected everything was opulent and out of proportion. Take the stair case for example.

Lovely, but those big things above the plants are gross. Anyway, behind the stairs was the buffet itself, with food from around the world. Only the butter chicken was really worth noting. Absolutely delicious. Outside were some nice vistas:

Private beach.

A bridge over water which, if it's a citizen of UAE, is not likely to be troubled.

Of particular delight to the eye was the Sheikh's mosque, big, brash, white and beautiful; and for me the epitome of the Emirates: something straight from Aladdin.

Sheikh and not stirred

Sheikh your booty

Let's comment on some architecture. The Dubai metro is simply fantastic. Swift, swish, and suave.

The stations are like space-age cocoons, super clean and sleek. But I was quite taken by one station in the old town. I'd reached a place where there should be a metro station, but all I could find was this small classic building.

Subtle. (no seriously, it's actually subtle - give them credit!).

It turns out, it is the station! Of course it was Friday morning and even the metro was closed. I checked out the buses in vane as the midday sun baked me into a prune and I hopped in a taxi before I became a date. I was treated to some views of the skyline which is nothing short of impressive.

Dubai skyline.

Build it and they will come, they said. They've built it, and I've come, so you have to give them credit. And, from the Burj, here's an 'inspiring' quote from his highness:

I've added a minor detail. Probably just being pedantic

Malled by the Emirates

There's Ibn Battuta, which has gone for the classic/ancient style. Here's one of the decorative domes inside:

A decorative dome inside a 'classic' mall

Then there's the Mall of the Emirates, which has gone for the classic/European style. Here's one of the decorative domes in the background:

(hello again mother)

They've perfectly captured the spirit of classic Italy by making wonky buildings and putting the lampposts not in a straight line. Incredible.

And then there's the gold souk (market), which is actually classic. If you Google it then you'll see it's bustling with people and full of refulgent gold; alas, on a Friday morning the shutters are down and it's all but silent.

Gold souk. Mostly closed on Friday mornings.

At least there were some benches, which is more than I can say for most of Dubai.

Ray's bar

"Is it on the top floor?"

"No, it's on the 62nd"

The atrium envelopes us in its opulence. We're joined in the bejeweled lift by bewildered middle class British people dressed their best and out for a cocktail, and are greeted on the 62nd floor by a waiter and a stunning view of Abu Dhabi.

We choose from the endless fabulous and expensive cocktails and admire the decor. The bar is full of people instagramming themselves, so pleased to be there among the elite. I wonder where the actual elite are. I go to the loo and am enamoured by the sinks.

A large glass container holds within it a smaller marble block. The water falls to the block and runs down its side, and splashes the glass too. I return to the bill and am not enamoured. I pull a face. The waiter re-assures me:
"It's expensive to keep clean a sink of such disproportionate surface area"

Dubai mall

There are more shops, restaurants, and atria than you can shake a stick at here. You'll need at least three sticks if you want to shake a stick at all the things in the Dubai Mall. And there's an aquarium, an ice-rink, you name it. My favourite aspect was the atria, of which my favourite was the Souk atrium.

A modern place of worship

It's really quite a marvellous place. You can leave aspiring to buy something, return next time to buy it, and you'll leave already aspiring to replace what you've just bought with something else, and you can just spend your whole life aspiring to be better than you already are buy buying more things than you already have. There's so much here. They have everything that you desire. Even green women.

Everthing you desire. Including green women.

I noticed that they had just enough signs to help you feel comfortable and not lost; but a severe lack of exit signs. Don't exit, just stay here and aspire, in all the different aspirational places.

The thing is, it's so well done, and it's so scorchingly hot outside, that it's quite nice in there. Especially the toilets in Bloomingdales, which are so spacious, and comfortable. So I sat on the loo and sketched this:

Jumeirah public beach

With a slight breeze on the beech and the sun long gone, it was finally cool enough to walk outdoors. It was absolutely lush and I was so relieved to have the freedom we take for granted - to breathe unconditioned air, and to just wander around. The sand and the sea made it even better. 

The Burj takes on the moon as families enjoy the beach at night.

There were many families out swimming in the dark and there was a warm atmosphere to match the warm weather. The Burj towered over the beach from afar, almost, but not quite, reaching the moon.

Splurj at the Burj

A quick dip into Dubai's architecture then. Let's get straight to the point, by far the tallest building in the world, the Burj al Kalurj, the ultimate aspiration, shining by day, glowing by night, literally scraping the sky, and giving us all a neck ache. Simply, amazing.

The building project that is Dubai is really overwhelmingly big, and there are umpteen buildings with distinct designs, some out of proportion (usually too big!), some with more aspiration than aesthetic decency; but, in their defense (whoever they are!), most of the aesthetic details that I saw in Dubai were really well done.

Anyway, if you're reading this, then you're probably my mum, and it's about time I put a picture of me here. So, accompanied by the view from the 124th floor of the Burj (barely half way up!), here I am in all my glory:

Hellooooooooooooooo mother!

The metro was impeccable, the infrastructure generally impressive, and the sky scrapers endless ...

 

Toilet signs, again?!

I had a moment of genuine confusion as I searched for a toilet in Dubai. I remember my sister, when she was 5 or something, astutely observing that the woman on the toilet signs can be distinguished by having one leg. Indeed, this is a very reliable rule if you don't leave Europe.

I entered this toilet, therefore, with severe caution. I later found both images for comparison, and it became apparent that women are distinguished here by wearing baggy t-shirts.

Hotel Sputnik

You know you've made it in life when you find yourself staying in Hotel Sputnik in Nefteyugansk. Some of the complementary features of your stay:

1. Towel included. Covers one average buttock.
2. Blinds included. Translucent blinds.
3. Mosquito nets included. On the windows. But not the doors. They'll come and sing you to sleep.
4. Fridge included. Smells like bad meat.

Some other benefits, available at a reasonable cost:

1. Fried breakfast, gone cold ($1 well spent)
2. Unlabelled bottled water ($1 well spent)
3. Laundry. Almost dry when delivered. Almost. ($5 well spent)


Of course, you will also get the benefits of being in Nefteyugansk, including such experiences as:

Happy Englishman: Good morning (smiles)
Happy canteen lady: What?! (frowns)
Happy Englishman: Good morning (smiles, tentatively)
Happy canteen lady: Is that everything?

Last but not least, the usual Nefteyugansk welcome: the water smells metallic and leaves you feeling dirtier than before you 'washed' yourself.

Enjoy your stay!

Novosibirsk architecture

A quick round up of notable buildings in the city then, starting with the classic opera house,

A real Russian opera house

and moving on to this marvel in 'Akademgorodok', a city of universities including crumbling buildings housing excellent scientists - a relic of some of the best of Soviet days - but also buildings showing new ambition, and new confidence:

A techno park. How did you guess?

And on to something moving, albeit stationary. A classic railway station, with a statue of families waving goodbye during the war. A terribly large number of people left for war through this station, and a horribly small proportion returned.

Novosibirsk benchmark

Certainly, one seeks a bench in the shade with some cute buttons as back rests; and in Novosibirsk, one will be please to find exactly that. The passer by senses they are in a garden, with slowly swaying leafy trees, and brick-built surroundings containing small, pleasant lawns; this is a quiet but confident bench. Sit down, relax!

Novosibirsk: quiet, but confident.

Novosibirsk caters to the more lively soul, too; the extrovert for whom a garden is too quiet, and to sit alone is to miss an opportunity to meet someone.

Not propaganda for children

These two lovely men can't wait to meet you. Don't delay, book your flights!